Building integrity and autonomy
Setting boundaries and saying “no” especially to friends and loved ones can be difficult as it often connects with our self-narratives and assumptions about the negative consequences if we do it.
We might have the deep pain from being left out, not seen, overheard or we have the fear of being disconnected from others, and then that pain we don’t want to instill in others by setting too strong boundaries and by saying “no”. We might also have assumptions about what could happen if we do it the wrong way, as people might turn on us, run away from us, disconnect from us, or even start disliking us.
(Do you want to empower your blind Enneagram type?)
If we have not practiced setting healthy boundaries, it can be difficult to know how to start.
It is a deep part of us to both set healthy boundaries and to say “no” as it builds integrity and autonomy. When we feel that we live with integrity and autonomy, much of life will have a stronger sense of meaning and purpose.
Children do several experiments on integrity and autonomy, and as parents, we are often the punching bag for their experiments. Traditionally, the order is that we first build integrity and autonomy, and then we learn that others also have integrity and autonomy. Then, we learn how to balance integrity and autonomy among ourselves and others. It is fundamental for everyone’s process of growing up, and it also helps others understand our values and principles.
Your weekly question
In a way, it is a balance between being strong in our own integrity and autonomy and leaving that power to others. Here are some suggestions for practicing the art of setting healthy boundaries and saying “no”.
- Write down a list of things you would like to set boundaries on and say “no” about. Don’t show the list to anyone, and don’t practice expressing it. Instead, practice formulating it by writing it down. Remember that your boundaries have to be clear and strong and that your saying “no” is just a “no” without any charge of anger, frustration, etc.
- Find a practice partner with whom you can experiment with setting boundaries and saying “no”. Your practice partner should not actually do what you are saying but only listen to and witness the verbalization of your clear expression. Your practice partner will only give you feedback about how it feels for them to receive the expression.
- Catch yourself wanting to set boundaries and wanting to say “no”. The practice is only to catch yourself doing it and then journal about it before going to bed for the night. The purpose of this practice is to direct your attention to when you want to be able to set boundaries and to say “no”. Later, you could experiment by actually expressing your boundaries and your “no”, but to build a foundation for being able to actually express your boundaries, you will need to prepare.
Your weekly quote
Setting boundaries and saying “no” are not walls between people but bridges of integrity and autonomy.
Your weekly recommended reading
Listen to “Roxanne Howe-Murphy: The Major Interference With Sharing Your Gifts Is Self-Rejection”
